Sit down. Let me tell you something:
In a party full of strangers, when asked
how you’re doing, don’t say you are
constipated, or call the boyfriend of the girl
you’ve just met boring. Remember,
ser and estar don’t exist in English,
but the boyfriend doesn’t know and
you will become embarrassed.
On your sixth date with Robert, your American
crush, don’t ask him if he has preservatives when
he takes you to his room after a slow mating dance.
He will think you’re weird and you’ll think he’s
not the responsible man that you thought he was.
Years later when you are married—with a boy
you are potty training—and go to the doctor’s
for a sinus infection, don’t tell him you are using
the Neti potty. The smile on his face will make
you blush and you’ll want to run as fast as you can.
Last but not less important, watch your pronunciation:
when you want to invite your friend Pete to go to the beach,
ask your son to wash his bed sheets, or beg
your husband to let you focus, make sure you
say the words right. Otherwise, Pete will think
you are shameless—
does she want a ménage à trois?
Your son will refuse his task—
who pooped on my bed?
Your husband won’t let you focus—
would I be allowed to watch?